The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.
Beautiful people do not just happen."
-Elizabeth Kubler Ross
i'm not who i was anymore. sometimes its difficult to change someone's perception of you, especially if they've known you for awhile.. know your past, seen you through your failures and difficulties in life.. and ultimately, expect to see you fail again. not in a bad way per se, but they expect it because they've seen it happen time and time again. truthfully, yes, i will always fail. i am not perfect, and i learn from every mistake that i make. as long as i'm learning and growing and moving forward, i'm ok with the fact that i'll continue to stumble and fall along the way. even though i strive to make changes in my life, and ultimately am very happy and satisfied with the way things have been going, others sometimes perceive it differently, and even see my efforts in a negative light. in a way, i struggle with wondering whether these negative perceptions are there in order to teach me to be more humble, or if they are negative vibes holding me, reminding me, tying me back to a past that is irrelevant to my present and future, and that i should really be looking forward rather than dwelling on the past? maybe it's a little bit of both... i guess i'm not too sure. anyway, last night, while driving home, i was listening to KLOVE, and heard this segment on the radio. couldn't help but feel that God was speaking to me through it.
falling forward
God's been teaching me a lot about failure lately, and He's been encouraging me to fail forward by reminding me that i'm a work in progress. i'm learning to move forward even after a set back, by remembering that i'm a woman who's becoming everything that God created her to be. even after i use harsh words, critisize people, or just fail to be the woman who i want to be. i feel like God wants me to stop beating myself up and take time to notice the progress i've made. even though we're not who we want to be yet, we're also not who we used to be. and every time we fail forward, we grow, and we get that much closer to becoming who we're meant to be.
a really great reminder. in the end, its not the judgments and acceptance of those around me that i strive for, but only for that of God's. if its anything that i've learned in the last year, and that i continually bring up in my blogs, its that through the difficulties, hurt, and frustration that i deal with on a day to day basis, none of it really matters that much anymore, because God's love is all that i need. its not something i just know now, but its something i feel and believe, with all my heart.
little things, like a conversation with an ollllld friend, whom i have seen go through many trials and tribulations throughout her life... who has seen me at my highest of highs, and lowest of lows... i was having a conversation with this oldest dearest girlfriend recently, and it dawned on me that we are finally all GROWN UP. yes peter pan, we've finally grown up and left never-never-land... talking with her brought back memories of the things that my friends and i went through together as adolescents, when we "thought" we were old enough, smart enough, and mature enough to handle what life threw at us. unfortunately, we were hugely misinformed :P talking with her just reminded me of how far we've really come from who we were back then, to who we actually are now. its interesting and amazing, uplifting and encouraging... to watch my friends and family as they journey on through life. its kind of like the saying that they have about love.. if you love it, let it go, and if it comes back, then it was meant to be. many people automatically assume that this is about lovers, but i can see that it applies to friendships as well. these days, i see that friendships seem to fade in and out quite often.. its easier to lose touch with all that we are expected to take care of within our own lives, day in and day out. its just interesting how God works, and how he puts people in our lives at with such perfect timing, when we're ready for or need them, whether they are new additions, or old friends that just happen to resurface.
another thing i take joy in... so simple, yet so difficult to achieve - is pure honesty, being honest to yourself first and foremost, and then to others. not even in difficult situations (although it should be a given during those times especially), but just as an every day principal to live by. recently, i've been faced with situations where i felt like maybe i "should" act or be a certain way in order to keep my life balanced. only, in doing so, i wasn't being honest with my true feelings, and its in those instances where i begin to feel that inner struggle between the heart and the mind - and i begin to question myself, my motives, my needs and wants. with those questions comes doubt, and with doubt comes insecurity. in the end, i only had to open up and discuss my feelings in order to resolve the issue, ultimately resulting in peaceful satisfaction.
i think sometimes its hard to accept the truth of who we are, what we want, or where we want to be in life - espeically because so many factors around us mold and shape us to be something that maybe we're not. society as a whole puts pressure on all of us to conform with the popular vote in all things, whether its to be more liberal in politics (think mtv and all the pop star icons that vote demo), or to make your outward appearance your priority (enter anorexia, bullemia, credit card debt for shopaholics that just *need* to have the latest hottest fashion trends), or to have a great job and a great salary or else you're falling behind, to not date this person because they're not good enough for you, to get married later because "all young marriages end up in divorce" ..... or even in the church, the pressure to be a "good" christian, to portray a false sense of perfection.... all because these are the "right" things to do... but who is it right for anyway? it may be right or ok for one person, but not the other. the only thing that you can do is be honest and true to yourself and let God lead the rest of the way.
anyway, these were just some random thoughts as of late...
thats about it for now :) 22 days until i can rent a car without a premium, yay!
this past sunday's message at church was the 3rd part to pastor dave's "unleashing the church" series. it was also the 2nd part in his *mini* 2 week series in regards to the relationship between CHURCH and CHRIST --- interestingly enough, defined in ephesians chapter 5 through the unity found within a healthy Godly MARRIAGE. it was a really interesting, informative, and thought provoking message for me in many ways.
some of the major points that i found most interesting are below:
- God intended for marriage to be the most basic definition and example of unity, and that these marriages are to become the building blocks of unity within the church. in turn, the unity of the churches here on Earth act as the major building blocks for overall cosmic unity in the world. if you think about it, its very true. when there is unity within a marriage, there is unity within a family as a whole. and when there is unity within each family, you start to find unity within beliefs, morals & standards, and way of living in your community. in that sense, it builds unity within the church as well as the rest of our world. its amazing to think how God had this all prepared already, and at the same time, how far we've fallen from his great plan for us.
- the roots of many of our problems in relationships and marriage come straight from the mistakes made by the very first couple that history ever defined - adam and eve. when eve chose to take the forbidden fruit of knowledge and eat of it, she did so independently of adam. thats the first point to take note of. secondly, in giving the fruit to adam to "enjoy" with her, she took lead of the relationship, and adam submitted to her - in other words, eve rebelled from adam's God-given right to leadership within their relationship. these points showcase a woman's natural desire to take charge and lead, when in fact, we are called to serve and submit to our husbands. i remember talking with my best friend about this recently... and we both agreed, why is it that we always like to take charge of our relationships, or feel like we are in control? this nature is a plague that we received from our very first ancestor, eve. for men, knowing and realizing that they were the ones given the right to lead a woman and take charge of a relationship caused the birth of male chauvinism (actual definition: "prejudiced belief in the superiority of one's own gender, group, or kind"); for men to look down on women and treat them with less love and respect. we cannot deny that these natures are very real in our society today, and as a result of this, the knowledge and understanding that a relationship and marriage is not meant to be EASY, it is meant to be worked for, and for us to be committed to doing so, even when it's hard.
- submission is a taboo word these days in our society. it is our selfish human nature to refuse to submit to anyone but ourselves (we are ALL selfish beings. the first step is to admit this, and then we can move on from there). but God created relationships and marriage just for this purpose - that marriage would mold and shape us, that this union God created for man and woman has the ability to change or "reprogram" us in ways we never knew. the wife is to submit to her husband in respect, and the husband to submit to his wife in loving care. love and respect, love and respect, love and respect - a continuous cycle of love and respect is the only way marriage can work. furthermore, this love and respect is to be fully given without expecting to receive. only when both parties can understand this, can there be a healthy relationship. in ephesians chapter 5, verse 28, it says "...husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. he who loves his wife loves himself." this is because when a relationship or marriage is working the way its supposed to, the man provides the love for the woman, and when the woman receives this unconditional love, she in turn respects and serves him unconditionally, so basically, the husband will be taken care of as long as he loves his wife. and in the end, if nothing else, "submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." (v21)... do it because God commanded us to do so.
- along the same lines, we must understand sacrificial love. women are called to submit to their husbands in all that they do. but husbands are given an even higher calling. husbands are to love their wives "just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (v25). in other words, husbands are called to give up their lives for their wives, just as Christ gave his life for mankind. this kind of love is the highest love, called "agape" love (definition: divine, unconditional, self-sacrificing, active, volitional, and thoughtful love). God gave his only son to give us a way to be closer to Him. He didn't, and still does not expect anything in return except for our love and respect, which is why we are to learn to love one another just as God loved us.
- some things that we as women can do in order to submit to our husbands/boyfriends:
* don't contradict them in public * give him unconditional respect * treat him with gentleness * laugh at his jokes * listen and don't roll your eyes or look away when he is speaking - pastor dave said this was the one that could either "make or break" him. sometimes we as women don't understand how the little things we do really affects our significant other. * know that criticism can be percieved as an attack or accusation * MAKE HIM BETTER. bottom line, just like neyo says :P
i couldn't note down the ones for the guy because they went too fast, so i'll just start by working on my end of the deal above :)
- pastor dave mentioned this one line near the end of his message, which really hit me hard, which is why it is the title of my post today - "love is NOT a feeling. it is a CHOICE, it is a COMMITMENT." i struggle myself, with the meaning of love in our society, and what it means to me personally. of course i've had those fleeting flirtatious thoughts of love in the past, which i briefly mentioned in my last post, but when the relationships i was involved in came to an abrupt end, i was left wondering whether or not i really experienced TRUE love, or if it was infatuation, or love of an ideal, and not a reality? i realize now that love has very little to do with the butterflies that i get in my stomach when i think of my significant other. love is making a commitment to my boyfriend and possibly future husband, making a decision to stick by him through thick and thin, as cliche as it is. love is what remains even when i am at my worst, moody, unhappy self... and he is still there with me, right by my side. love is what is there when he is angry and frustrated, depressed, and i am still there by his side. love is to always provide and protect the other person, at all costs. love is a decision that we make, and i am glad to say that i've made my decision - to always fight for me, to always fight for him, and to always fight for us.
hope you guys enjoyed that recap as much as i enjoyed the message firsthand :) you can listen (or re-listen for other grx-ers) to the sermon HERE (2nd part is not up yet, but i'm sure it will be soon!)
new ingrid michaelson album "everybody" is great, as well as a fine frenzy's "bomb in a bird cage." two of my favorite female artists :) check it out if you have time...
not much new here.. its the end of september, and its still frickin hot hot hot! i was burning up doing errands at lunch today. ridiculous. but i know once the cold rolls around, i'll be begging for the sun again. i'm such a wimp to weather, and i'm already so lucky living here in cali! :P
i dropped a huge amount of money at michaels today... i couldn't help it. they have way too many arts & crafts ideas that i want to play with... hopefully, the creation i am working on now is worth the money --- and the time and effort i'm going to be putting into it. there are so many things that i'd like to get into, that i'd like to do at some point. i want to take sewing classes to learn how to mend and tailor my own clothes (at least the basic stuff), i want to learn how to cut hair (again, basic.. nothing crazy!), i want to buy a guitar and re-learn all the chords that i once knew back in college and one day *hopefully* achieve my lifelong goal of writing my own full song, i want to take cooking classes so i can learn more about different cooking styles and ethnic foods that i'm not familiar with... i want to re-learn how to knit and crochet (i remember faintly, but need a brush up course!). one of these days, i'll get around to doing all of this.
the holiday season is coming up again!!! i can't WAIT!! it's going to be awesome, hopefully :) i think this year for thanksgiving, i'm going to attempt making a full on thanksgiving dinner.. something that has never been done before, in the history of the wang family!!! i grew up always eating cafeteria turkey slices for thanksgiving, at the annual CCIC winter retreat (always held during thanksgiving break), or eating some sort of chicken dish in place of traditional turkey, because a) it was easier to make and b) it was healthier. well, forget that! i'm going to do it.. and i'm going to do it BIG. i'm probably going to have to take some tips from christine, since she seems to be the champion thanksgiving dinner chef.
i think a lot of the fam won't be around for thanksgiving, so it'll be a mini celebration with me, myself, and i, and maybe tommy as my taste tester (if he's around), but for christmas, most of us wangs are going to be home, which is going to be awesome! em and her bf jens will also be visiting for the new years holiday from taipei. it's going to be a lot of fun and games, snow & tahoe, hopefully our annual gingerbread house making contest at my aunt's place with the cuzzos.... i'm really excited!
anyway, that's enough for now. hope everyones having a wonderful hump day!
are there ever people that add you on facebook, and you're not REALLY friends or have ever been, but you accept anyway because you are acquaintances, friends-of-friends, etc...? well it happens to me quite often. and i will usually reach out with that obligatory facebook post "hello hope things are well!" or some random comment in regards to what is posted on their page just as an offering of friendship, and get NO response. EVER. it really makes me wonder, why did this person add me in the first place? are they using me to friend pad?!?! did they just want to look through my photos?! WHAT IS IT!!!!!! drives me insane hahahaha. i probably have to ask myself that question with about 25% of the people on my friends list. maybe i should begin a massive purge.. hahaha.
other than that, i know i touched on this topic sometime in a recent post (recent meaning within the last year), but its definitely worth noting again, that... everyone and their moms are getting old, settling down, and becoming hubby-wifey-like!!!! my sister included, my best friends included, and....... me included :P... (and might i add that i've never been happier ;) but we'll save that story/update for another time.) i am slowly starting to see more and more of my peers steadily moving towards that picture perfect house with a white picket fence, 2 cars, 2 kiddos, and 1.5 dogs and cats (hehe).. its like a magnet - even for those that never thought they'd be in a relationship - like gravity, we are drawn towards it ;) i see people begin to send out e mails as a couple (for example, signed "thanks! from ___&____!)... i attend happy joyful weddings where love is witnessed first hand in its rawest, freshest form.... i see my girlfriends smile bigger smiles than i've ever seen before :P more significantly, i see my friends falling in love..... and its not the puppy love that we all experienced when we were pimply with braces and wearing jnco jeans and nike tennis shoes, dancing to nu flavor heaven in the stuffy jr high gym, but this is the REAL DEAL.... we are old enough to know what is good and bad for us, what matches and what doesn't, and MOST mportantly, what we want and what we need, and what we are willing to and not willing to compromise, and how to materialize that in a person, in a significant other. i think its both wonderful and amazing to witness right before my eyes. i have to say that i can't wait to see how these budding relationships develop and grow.. and i feel blessed to be a part of their lives, to watch the spark become a flame :) i am happy for all of you.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love... - 1 Corinthians 13:13
